I often joke about being nominated “Mother-of-the-Year”. Usually, it’s for a negative reason – being a “mean, mean Mama”, breaking the baby’s leg (hey wait – that was “Father-of-the-Year”, not me), or in general screwing up my kids. Well, if there was a REAL mother of the year contest, I have a feeling that it would involve an essay of some kind to enter. You know…a “Why My Kids Love Me Best” essay. Or “Doing it All for Less: Keeping your Kids Healthy and Entertained on a Budget”.
Behold, my imaginary entry into the fake contest for “Mother of the Year 2009”. (and yes, I do know it’s only January…I think that my essay will show that although there are 11 months to go, I am so much of a front-runner the contest should just be called now)
The Circle of Life
By
Veronica Dianne Torgensen Kneipp
Mother to
Beautiful Alexandria Aged 5 ¾
Adorable Tucker Aged 4 and a “wittle bit”
Kissable Tanner Aged 10 months and 23 days (give or take)
This past Christmas we bought the children chore charts as one of their gifts. They each have one chore to do per day according to how old they are. For the past month, they have been diligently doing their chores and enjoying the awesomeness that is allowance every Sunday. Since things had been going so well, I, as their wonderful mother, decided that we should surprise them with a bigger reward.
When I arrive home from work today, with little or no prior discussion with my husband, I announce that we were going somewhere for a big surprise! The children were excited and enthused! (Not Tanner…he really doesn’t get much yet…don’t know what that’s about). Anyway – I digress.
We hop into the car and head down the hill. The excitement is palpable. Shouts of joy and anticipation are coming from the backseat. Soon, they are taking guesses as to WHERE we might be going. Lexi guessed the zoo. Hey – good for her. If you’re gonna go, why not go big. Tucker had much more reasonable expectations. “We goin’ to the store, Mama?” What kind of store we asked him…he didn’t know. Then when we made a sudden turn to stop along the way he shouted excitedly, “Wexi! We’s going to get gas!”
Apparently he’s not the big dreamer of the house.
Back on the road we made out way to the secret location…the PetSmart. To buy fish. A fish for each of them!! Fine rewards for being such good kids for the last month. Give or take 10-15 naughty corners apiece. And there was that one “I HATE YOU” incident with Lexi. And just recently the Tucker going to bed until his Daddy gets home because I am so offensive to his sensibilities. Again, I digress.
Many hours are spent in PetSmart picking the right tank, food, accoutrement, and fish. An orange and white one for Lexi, a black one for Tucker and a spotted one for Tanner. We paid for our new family and excitedly headed back to home base. Naming fish along the way – Fluffy is Lexi’s, Raider is Tucker’s and Gill is Tanner’s. Answering fish type questions…”How do they sleep Mama?” “What do they eat Daddy?” “Why are trees good for the Earf?” (Whoops…that was a different topic altogether)
We get home and lo and behold…not all of the fish are doing swimmingly…as we had hoped. Raider, the black fish of the group, was looking a little slow. For the next hour, while Mitch and I worked to get the tank together and ready, Raider sort of started to look more and more peaked. There were several very meaningful glances between husband and wife…a call to the PetSmart Goldfish Hotline…and a lot of shoulder shrugging as we watched Raider listlessly roam around the temporary bowl.
Finally, the moment of truth. We went to put the fishy family into the tank and it became crystal clear that Raider was no longer of this Earth. More hidden glances…eye rolling…shoulder shrugging. Then we just laid it out there.
We told the kids that Raider had passed away. I told Mitch that there should be a ceremony in the bathroom to say proper goodbyes. In an unprecedented move, Mitch took the dead little fish in his hand (EWWWW – I almost lost it at that point!) and took the kids in to do the final flushing.
They seemed to be taking it well. Tucker looked a little sad, but he held it together. Lexi just kept saying “Why’s Raider sick? What was wrong with him? Why’d Tucker’s fish died?” etc. They went to look at the tank and watch the surviving fish swim around and enjoy their new home.
When all of a sudden it happened. It’s like watching an accident about to happen…everything slowed down and I seemed to be watching the scene through a fine piece of gauze…as Tucker’s bottom lip began the quiver to end all quivers…and then the wailing started…and the crocodile tears. He wasn’t even coherent anymore…he just kept rubbing his eyes closed and saying “I need to go to bed and lay down!”
Suddenly I notice the girl was missing. I heard sniffling over near the landing of the stairs. Mitch called out, “What’s wrong honey”? And all of a sudden she wailed, “I don’t knooooooooooooow!” And burst into tears herself.
It was all downhill from there. They both were practically inconsolable. One would get calmed down and then the other one would start in. They sat on our laps and tried to eat their dinner. It was horrible. More glancing and shoulder shrugging ensued.
They finally finished dinner, washed up, and went over to the tank one last time to say goodnight to Fluffy and Gill. Tucker’s lip held it together, just barely, upon the promise that in the morning we would be going to get him a replacement fish.
Having succeeded in taking my children through the full range of emotions over the span of 3 hours, my work was done. Thrilling surprise, check. Fun times bonding and learning with Mom and Dad, check. Vicious example of the “Circle of Life” up close and personal, check. Pushing your middle son to the brink of a complete emotional breakdown, check.
I really don’t know what more I could do, as a mother. I laid it all out on the line today. I secured my children’s future in therapy in one fail swoop. In other words, I mothered the H*LL out of those kids today.
My work here is done, and I thank you very much for your consideration in the Mother of the Year 2009 competition. I think it’s been broughten.
RIP
Raider Thomas Leslie Kneipp
(all of our kids have 4 names…why shouldn’t the fish?)
Behold, my imaginary entry into the fake contest for “Mother of the Year 2009”. (and yes, I do know it’s only January…I think that my essay will show that although there are 11 months to go, I am so much of a front-runner the contest should just be called now)
The Circle of Life
By
Veronica Dianne Torgensen Kneipp
Mother to
Beautiful Alexandria Aged 5 ¾
Adorable Tucker Aged 4 and a “wittle bit”
Kissable Tanner Aged 10 months and 23 days (give or take)
This past Christmas we bought the children chore charts as one of their gifts. They each have one chore to do per day according to how old they are. For the past month, they have been diligently doing their chores and enjoying the awesomeness that is allowance every Sunday. Since things had been going so well, I, as their wonderful mother, decided that we should surprise them with a bigger reward.
When I arrive home from work today, with little or no prior discussion with my husband, I announce that we were going somewhere for a big surprise! The children were excited and enthused! (Not Tanner…he really doesn’t get much yet…don’t know what that’s about). Anyway – I digress.
We hop into the car and head down the hill. The excitement is palpable. Shouts of joy and anticipation are coming from the backseat. Soon, they are taking guesses as to WHERE we might be going. Lexi guessed the zoo. Hey – good for her. If you’re gonna go, why not go big. Tucker had much more reasonable expectations. “We goin’ to the store, Mama?” What kind of store we asked him…he didn’t know. Then when we made a sudden turn to stop along the way he shouted excitedly, “Wexi! We’s going to get gas!”
Apparently he’s not the big dreamer of the house.
Back on the road we made out way to the secret location…the PetSmart. To buy fish. A fish for each of them!! Fine rewards for being such good kids for the last month. Give or take 10-15 naughty corners apiece. And there was that one “I HATE YOU” incident with Lexi. And just recently the Tucker going to bed until his Daddy gets home because I am so offensive to his sensibilities. Again, I digress.
Many hours are spent in PetSmart picking the right tank, food, accoutrement, and fish. An orange and white one for Lexi, a black one for Tucker and a spotted one for Tanner. We paid for our new family and excitedly headed back to home base. Naming fish along the way – Fluffy is Lexi’s, Raider is Tucker’s and Gill is Tanner’s. Answering fish type questions…”How do they sleep Mama?” “What do they eat Daddy?” “Why are trees good for the Earf?” (Whoops…that was a different topic altogether)
We get home and lo and behold…not all of the fish are doing swimmingly…as we had hoped. Raider, the black fish of the group, was looking a little slow. For the next hour, while Mitch and I worked to get the tank together and ready, Raider sort of started to look more and more peaked. There were several very meaningful glances between husband and wife…a call to the PetSmart Goldfish Hotline…and a lot of shoulder shrugging as we watched Raider listlessly roam around the temporary bowl.
Finally, the moment of truth. We went to put the fishy family into the tank and it became crystal clear that Raider was no longer of this Earth. More hidden glances…eye rolling…shoulder shrugging. Then we just laid it out there.
We told the kids that Raider had passed away. I told Mitch that there should be a ceremony in the bathroom to say proper goodbyes. In an unprecedented move, Mitch took the dead little fish in his hand (EWWWW – I almost lost it at that point!) and took the kids in to do the final flushing.
They seemed to be taking it well. Tucker looked a little sad, but he held it together. Lexi just kept saying “Why’s Raider sick? What was wrong with him? Why’d Tucker’s fish died?” etc. They went to look at the tank and watch the surviving fish swim around and enjoy their new home.
When all of a sudden it happened. It’s like watching an accident about to happen…everything slowed down and I seemed to be watching the scene through a fine piece of gauze…as Tucker’s bottom lip began the quiver to end all quivers…and then the wailing started…and the crocodile tears. He wasn’t even coherent anymore…he just kept rubbing his eyes closed and saying “I need to go to bed and lay down!”
Suddenly I notice the girl was missing. I heard sniffling over near the landing of the stairs. Mitch called out, “What’s wrong honey”? And all of a sudden she wailed, “I don’t knooooooooooooow!” And burst into tears herself.
It was all downhill from there. They both were practically inconsolable. One would get calmed down and then the other one would start in. They sat on our laps and tried to eat their dinner. It was horrible. More glancing and shoulder shrugging ensued.
They finally finished dinner, washed up, and went over to the tank one last time to say goodnight to Fluffy and Gill. Tucker’s lip held it together, just barely, upon the promise that in the morning we would be going to get him a replacement fish.
Having succeeded in taking my children through the full range of emotions over the span of 3 hours, my work was done. Thrilling surprise, check. Fun times bonding and learning with Mom and Dad, check. Vicious example of the “Circle of Life” up close and personal, check. Pushing your middle son to the brink of a complete emotional breakdown, check.
I really don’t know what more I could do, as a mother. I laid it all out on the line today. I secured my children’s future in therapy in one fail swoop. In other words, I mothered the H*LL out of those kids today.
My work here is done, and I thank you very much for your consideration in the Mother of the Year 2009 competition. I think it’s been broughten.
RIP
Raider Thomas Leslie Kneipp
(all of our kids have 4 names…why shouldn’t the fish?)
